Sighting #2

Well, it was sighting #2 today-- and he came out of nowhere. There I was, happily finding my way into chapel on campus today and I look to my right and BOOM! Right there. I was so sure it was him but I kept on sneaking peeks to make sure. He started walking toward me and my heart that was already racing a mile a minute jumped up into my throat. Stopping, he talked to some people that I suppose he knew, then walked back to his seat. I left word with Will, a friend and classmate of mine, to tell Michelle (a Roberts attending high school friend) that I couldn't sit with her today, and made my way calmly and naturally (to my surprise) out of the auditorium. Smiling at some random person as I made my way out to eliminate any signs of my knowing he was there.

I ran up the stairs 2 by 2 and 3 by 3. I needed to get out of that building, off of campus and out on my sooner than expected errand to the library in a different part of town to pick up the first DVD of The Tudors (Season 1).

It's amazing how much you heal yourself, and then let yourself fall back into it again. Well, it's amazing for me anyway, because it is me. I tried so hard for months and months to try and forget him and now, when I finally feel I accomplished something, I feel like I've been slipping backwards for the past couple of weeks. I've allowed myself to think about him which is widening the crack I've been allowing to survive in my defense against him for so long.

After today I feel as though the whole shelter has fallen on me in a great heap and I've climbed out of the rubble. Through out the whole thing I've felt battle-worn and bruised. He is a daily occurrence in my memory, something I doubt is reciprocated on his side. But it's something I want so badly to happen. I miss him. It's stupid really, you shouldn't want the number one source of personal rejection and disrespect back into your life, but I do. I miss him. A year later and I miss him. One year later from the beginning I should say, we broke up April 2009. I'm so glad that 2009 is over. I want to forget about him. I hate him lagging on in my memory, some ugly haunting thing that I can't seem to get rid of. I worry that, if I ever told somebody I was in a relationship with about him, they'd stop feeling something for me. I wouldn't have any problems with an adult man who mentioned he was once in love with a woman-- that happens! But maybe that's because I haven't experienced any adult relationships-- or relationships with adult men, as I probably should phrase it, lol. I have time though, haha, ah me, sometimes I forget how young i actually am. I feel like time is running out all the time...

But anyway, back to what I was saying! I fear that someone would hold that against me, holding onto him for so long and yet wouldn't that be admirable? At least being honest enough to share some of the deepest, most tormenting parts of my life with someone? Wouldn't that show trust and emotion, affection? Love? See, this is where I get hazy, maybe I've got it all wrong, all mixed up. But then why would I hide anything? I'm thinking too hard about it. I'm trying to find a solution to steady myself now before the salve is ready to reveal itself. I have time. :)

I just want someone to unconditionally love me. I want my husband to look like Jonathan Rhys-Meyers :) I'm on a little kick of his movies and television show, The Tudors, and that's my single stipulation!

You know it's a funny thing-- one final word about the aforementioned Rat and that's all I'll say... as I was leaving the campus today I thought to myself: "If you're so afraid of him, how would you ever be able to handle being in a relationship again?" I wouldn't. I know I'll get over this. I am over HIM, him as a person. I let go of that months ago, but the idea of him, the things he used to mean and symbolize for me, that I think is what I need to learn to let go of. But like I said, I've got time :)