I'm undergoing a recovery process for pain guilt, shame, self-worth recovery etc. And it's amazing to me how one can feel so much pain, yet come out feeling just fine on the other side.
I think it speaks to the utter power and intrinsic nature of the divine found within human beings. We are built above the things of this world, and therefore we can conquer them. I think a lot of us tend to forgt who exactly we are, even if we don't consciously realize it, we know. We know we came from somewhere special and have special duties to perform that influence and help and aid other human beings here on earth who has the same mighty beginnings as we.
We inflict the pain on ourselves and on other people. On ourselves because we are afraid of how we look and are to other people and on other people because of how we look to ourselves. I think first and foremost the human race needs to undergo a change of heart, First, we need to see ourselves as individuals with power. The beauty and love we inwardly and truthfully posses for ourselves needs to be recognized, loved, and embraced by ourselves first and foremost, and if we see someone else around us having trouble realizing this then we need to stop in and help them see the truth that's inside them. They are valuable. We are valuable. We as individuals are stunning creations, massive forces capable of surmounting insurmountable odds in this world within society, our own person to person daily interactions and within the wars of ourselves. We are complex in nature, we are simplistic in needs and desires. We need to embrace ourselves as well as embrace each other.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Sighting #2
Well, it was sighting #2 today-- and he came out of nowhere. There I was, happily finding my way into chapel on campus today and I look to my right and BOOM! Right there. I was so sure it was him but I kept on sneaking peeks to make sure. He started walking toward me and my heart that was already racing a mile a minute jumped up into my throat. Stopping, he talked to some people that I suppose he knew, then walked back to his seat. I left word with Will, a friend and classmate of mine, to tell Michelle (a Roberts attending high school friend) that I couldn't sit with her today, and made my way calmly and naturally (to my surprise) out of the auditorium. Smiling at some random person as I made my way out to eliminate any signs of my knowing he was there.
I ran up the stairs 2 by 2 and 3 by 3. I needed to get out of that building, off of campus and out on my sooner than expected errand to the library in a different part of town to pick up the first DVD of The Tudors (Season 1).
It's amazing how much you heal yourself, and then let yourself fall back into it again. Well, it's amazing for me anyway, because it is me. I tried so hard for months and months to try and forget him and now, when I finally feel I accomplished something, I feel like I've been slipping backwards for the past couple of weeks. I've allowed myself to think about him which is widening the crack I've been allowing to survive in my defense against him for so long.
After today I feel as though the whole shelter has fallen on me in a great heap and I've climbed out of the rubble. Through out the whole thing I've felt battle-worn and bruised. He is a daily occurrence in my memory, something I doubt is reciprocated on his side. But it's something I want so badly to happen. I miss him. It's stupid really, you shouldn't want the number one source of personal rejection and disrespect back into your life, but I do. I miss him. A year later and I miss him. One year later from the beginning I should say, we broke up April 2009. I'm so glad that 2009 is over. I want to forget about him. I hate him lagging on in my memory, some ugly haunting thing that I can't seem to get rid of. I worry that, if I ever told somebody I was in a relationship with about him, they'd stop feeling something for me. I wouldn't have any problems with an adult man who mentioned he was once in love with a woman-- that happens! But maybe that's because I haven't experienced any adult relationships-- or relationships with adult men, as I probably should phrase it, lol. I have time though, haha, ah me, sometimes I forget how young i actually am. I feel like time is running out all the time...
But anyway, back to what I was saying! I fear that someone would hold that against me, holding onto him for so long and yet wouldn't that be admirable? At least being honest enough to share some of the deepest, most tormenting parts of my life with someone? Wouldn't that show trust and emotion, affection? Love? See, this is where I get hazy, maybe I've got it all wrong, all mixed up. But then why would I hide anything? I'm thinking too hard about it. I'm trying to find a solution to steady myself now before the salve is ready to reveal itself. I have time. :)
I just want someone to unconditionally love me. I want my husband to look like Jonathan Rhys-Meyers :) I'm on a little kick of his movies and television show, The Tudors, and that's my single stipulation!
You know it's a funny thing-- one final word about the aforementioned Rat and that's all I'll say... as I was leaving the campus today I thought to myself: "If you're so afraid of him, how would you ever be able to handle being in a relationship again?" I wouldn't. I know I'll get over this. I am over HIM, him as a person. I let go of that months ago, but the idea of him, the things he used to mean and symbolize for me, that I think is what I need to learn to let go of. But like I said, I've got time :)
I ran up the stairs 2 by 2 and 3 by 3. I needed to get out of that building, off of campus and out on my sooner than expected errand to the library in a different part of town to pick up the first DVD of The Tudors (Season 1).
It's amazing how much you heal yourself, and then let yourself fall back into it again. Well, it's amazing for me anyway, because it is me. I tried so hard for months and months to try and forget him and now, when I finally feel I accomplished something, I feel like I've been slipping backwards for the past couple of weeks. I've allowed myself to think about him which is widening the crack I've been allowing to survive in my defense against him for so long.
After today I feel as though the whole shelter has fallen on me in a great heap and I've climbed out of the rubble. Through out the whole thing I've felt battle-worn and bruised. He is a daily occurrence in my memory, something I doubt is reciprocated on his side. But it's something I want so badly to happen. I miss him. It's stupid really, you shouldn't want the number one source of personal rejection and disrespect back into your life, but I do. I miss him. A year later and I miss him. One year later from the beginning I should say, we broke up April 2009. I'm so glad that 2009 is over. I want to forget about him. I hate him lagging on in my memory, some ugly haunting thing that I can't seem to get rid of. I worry that, if I ever told somebody I was in a relationship with about him, they'd stop feeling something for me. I wouldn't have any problems with an adult man who mentioned he was once in love with a woman-- that happens! But maybe that's because I haven't experienced any adult relationships-- or relationships with adult men, as I probably should phrase it, lol. I have time though, haha, ah me, sometimes I forget how young i actually am. I feel like time is running out all the time...
But anyway, back to what I was saying! I fear that someone would hold that against me, holding onto him for so long and yet wouldn't that be admirable? At least being honest enough to share some of the deepest, most tormenting parts of my life with someone? Wouldn't that show trust and emotion, affection? Love? See, this is where I get hazy, maybe I've got it all wrong, all mixed up. But then why would I hide anything? I'm thinking too hard about it. I'm trying to find a solution to steady myself now before the salve is ready to reveal itself. I have time. :)
I just want someone to unconditionally love me. I want my husband to look like Jonathan Rhys-Meyers :) I'm on a little kick of his movies and television show, The Tudors, and that's my single stipulation!
You know it's a funny thing-- one final word about the aforementioned Rat and that's all I'll say... as I was leaving the campus today I thought to myself: "If you're so afraid of him, how would you ever be able to handle being in a relationship again?" I wouldn't. I know I'll get over this. I am over HIM, him as a person. I let go of that months ago, but the idea of him, the things he used to mean and symbolize for me, that I think is what I need to learn to let go of. But like I said, I've got time :)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
A little bit older and a lot a bit wiser...sort of
So I just watched Julie/Julia with my mom and my older sister. Wow, we see nothing the same way. More often than not they're always on each others 'side and rarely to never on mine-- but that's okay, really. Mostly we differed on the opinion of whether Julie's (Amy Adams) mom in the movie was being a bitch or not to her over the phone-- I said yea, they, nay. I'll leave that to the opinion of you-- if there are any of "you" out there. I doubt it.
Anyway, the purpose of this evenings post, on December 22nd in 2009, so far removed from anything I last wrote about is to ponder and peruse over the past year. Wow. Well, I'm no longer at MCC-- I've moved onto bigger and better things such at Roberts Wesleyan (an actual four-year college) and after quite a few breakdowns and replaced parts so that I feel like a used car-- I feel as if I've grown, quite a lot. I've realized that I've been long a prisoner of my own freaked out self-conscious. I can't tell you how hellish that has been, looking back on it and seeing how I've lived through it. (The wonder of that astounds me, it was hell enough going through it!) I tend to scare myself witless for no apparent, or factual, real, or...palpable reason. I've been working on that. I no longer see things they way they seem to be, I see them for what they are-- my sanity has improved greatly.
I realize this takes a lot of back story to fully explain--but who knows, maybe I will, at some point. For the present I will focus on being myself, and enjoying my life the way it has "metamorphatised" to be. The newness this something has brought to it, the freshness, the realness this realization has brought to me is completely exhilarating, it's liberating, and it makes me feel real. I feel, real. Most of all, I feel loved. I love myself for the first time in years, and you know what? As much as they already say it, I think it matters more than anything else at this point in time.
So goodnight, from me. :) Merry, merry Christmas.
Anyway, the purpose of this evenings post, on December 22nd in 2009, so far removed from anything I last wrote about is to ponder and peruse over the past year. Wow. Well, I'm no longer at MCC-- I've moved onto bigger and better things such at Roberts Wesleyan (an actual four-year college) and after quite a few breakdowns and replaced parts so that I feel like a used car-- I feel as if I've grown, quite a lot. I've realized that I've been long a prisoner of my own freaked out self-conscious. I can't tell you how hellish that has been, looking back on it and seeing how I've lived through it. (The wonder of that astounds me, it was hell enough going through it!) I tend to scare myself witless for no apparent, or factual, real, or...palpable reason. I've been working on that. I no longer see things they way they seem to be, I see them for what they are-- my sanity has improved greatly.
I realize this takes a lot of back story to fully explain--but who knows, maybe I will, at some point. For the present I will focus on being myself, and enjoying my life the way it has "metamorphatised" to be. The newness this something has brought to it, the freshness, the realness this realization has brought to me is completely exhilarating, it's liberating, and it makes me feel real. I feel, real. Most of all, I feel loved. I love myself for the first time in years, and you know what? As much as they already say it, I think it matters more than anything else at this point in time.
So goodnight, from me. :) Merry, merry Christmas.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I done's been ORIENTATED.
Orientation at MCC was today. I had a lot of fun.
I met some people. The first was my friend named Colleen. We met during an icebreaker game and there was a bee following her, so she came over to stand by me and then she started talking to me-- and we didn't stop! So next we're waling around with our group and guy and we're standing next to this kid named Omar-- and we start talking to him too! The three of us hit it off right away. THEN, there was this kid named Chad that we started talking to (Colleen actually was the one who initiated conversation and said "hello") 'cause we liked his purple "European style" hoodie and cool hair.
Omar is 21 and a fun guy to talk to, I didn't ever find out what his major is though. :( Colleen and Chad are both 18 and Colleen is a Cinema major (the one I wanted to do, so I'm ubber jealous) and Chad is in communications with me. I found out he works at Old Navy as well (although at a different location) and we went around trying to spot out all the ON merchandise we could! It was fun.
You know, the funny thing about this whole college business is that it really isn't scary at all-- not in the way you might think it might be scary. Like, once you get past the whole conversational thingies, you're really that much better off because then you never shut up! :)
I don't know if that was what you would call a "nugget of wisdom" or not... but I try.
<3
me.
I met some people. The first was my friend named Colleen. We met during an icebreaker game and there was a bee following her, so she came over to stand by me and then she started talking to me-- and we didn't stop! So next we're waling around with our group and guy and we're standing next to this kid named Omar-- and we start talking to him too! The three of us hit it off right away. THEN, there was this kid named Chad that we started talking to (Colleen actually was the one who initiated conversation and said "hello") 'cause we liked his purple "European style" hoodie and cool hair.
Omar is 21 and a fun guy to talk to, I didn't ever find out what his major is though. :( Colleen and Chad are both 18 and Colleen is a Cinema major (the one I wanted to do, so I'm ubber jealous) and Chad is in communications with me. I found out he works at Old Navy as well (although at a different location) and we went around trying to spot out all the ON merchandise we could! It was fun.
You know, the funny thing about this whole college business is that it really isn't scary at all-- not in the way you might think it might be scary. Like, once you get past the whole conversational thingies, you're really that much better off because then you never shut up! :)
I don't know if that was what you would call a "nugget of wisdom" or not... but I try.
<3
me.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Duhn duh duh duh duhn duhn... (Pomp and Circumstance)
So.
College is starting up in two weeks at the most, and I find myself feeling as excited as ever. Apprehensive? Not at all! I'm actually quite surprised at how well I've been able to adjust to it all-- I think I've had no problem! :D Well that's someting to be greatful for. SO what have I done all summer long that I've been away? MOVIES. All day, all night. (That and working at my new job at Old Navy and going out with friends) but primarily, I've been watching movies. yes, this summer I've made a few new friends and deepened some I already had had but mostly, movies have been taking over my existance.
My cousin (who I have since discovdered and become avid concersations with on FacebookIM) and I are both future filmmakers, only he actually writes//films them and I prefer to dabble around on Microsoft word. *sigh* But he's been giving me some pointers on my most recent-- "Untitled". Yep. It has no name...yet.
Maybe something interesting will come to me.
But until then, I just keep writing. I hit a stint of writer's block a little while ago but I am since over that (HURRAH) and now back to my "loverly"( a la "My Fair Lady" (I toldyou)) clacking keyboard and ready (almost) for anything!
So! What movies have I been seeing so far? "Sleuth"(from 1972, not the more recent Caine//Law//Branagh version... *heart weeping*),"All The King's Men", "Alfie"(1966), "Bullitt", "AI:Artificial Intelligence", "As You Like It"(BRANAGH), "My Blueberry Nights"(well, more accurately, this one I just borrowed from the library and will be watching soon...same with "As You Like It"), "The Holiday"(AHH!), "Kung Foo Panda", "The Dark Knight"(twice), "Hancock", and so, so, so, so many others with names I can't remember. Titles without number. I think I've seen as many movies as can fill the shevles of Cameron Diaz' character, Amanda, in "The Holiday". (Such a good movie by the way, if you couldn't tell by the "AHH!" inserted after the title.)
Babbling again. But otherwise, as it seems I suppose that some people would think this was a waste of my time but I in fact feel the exact opposite. I've had fun, and what else is summer for but to have fun?
"What's it all about?"
College is starting up in two weeks at the most, and I find myself feeling as excited as ever. Apprehensive? Not at all! I'm actually quite surprised at how well I've been able to adjust to it all-- I think I've had no problem! :D Well that's someting to be greatful for. SO what have I done all summer long that I've been away? MOVIES. All day, all night. (That and working at my new job at Old Navy and going out with friends) but primarily, I've been watching movies. yes, this summer I've made a few new friends and deepened some I already had had but mostly, movies have been taking over my existance.
My cousin (who I have since discovdered and become avid concersations with on FacebookIM) and I are both future filmmakers, only he actually writes//films them and I prefer to dabble around on Microsoft word. *sigh* But he's been giving me some pointers on my most recent-- "Untitled". Yep. It has no name...yet.
Maybe something interesting will come to me.
But until then, I just keep writing. I hit a stint of writer's block a little while ago but I am since over that (HURRAH) and now back to my "loverly"( a la "My Fair Lady" (I toldyou)) clacking keyboard and ready (almost) for anything!
So! What movies have I been seeing so far? "Sleuth"(from 1972, not the more recent Caine//Law//Branagh version... *heart weeping*),"All The King's Men", "Alfie"(1966), "Bullitt", "AI:Artificial Intelligence", "As You Like It"(BRANAGH), "My Blueberry Nights"(well, more accurately, this one I just borrowed from the library and will be watching soon...same with "As You Like It"), "The Holiday"(AHH!), "Kung Foo Panda", "The Dark Knight"(twice), "Hancock", and so, so, so, so many others with names I can't remember. Titles without number. I think I've seen as many movies as can fill the shevles of Cameron Diaz' character, Amanda, in "The Holiday". (Such a good movie by the way, if you couldn't tell by the "AHH!" inserted after the title.)
Babbling again. But otherwise, as it seems I suppose that some people would think this was a waste of my time but I in fact feel the exact opposite. I've had fun, and what else is summer for but to have fun?
"What's it all about?"
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Summahtime Summahtime Sum Sum Summahtime Summahtime.
Today is June the 26th and I am officially a graduated senior. I have been for about a week now and it's awesome! Since then I have been to the movies, been the the beach, gone swimming in lovely, albeit green, lake Ontario and begun the typing stage of my latest film.
Maybe I'll let people read parts of it, by request.
But it's still my baby.
Today the plans were to go to the beach again, completely ignoring the painful sunburn I have on my back and just go hang out but it looks like it's going to be raining soon.
How sad.
Right now, I'm just sitting in the kitchen listening to Bloc party from my sister. very interesting. I like it. I think I will go see Angels and Airwaves when they come for Warped. Did I mention my fixation with them? Well I have one. It exists. :^ D
I have posetively no talent for writing blogs. So much for a career in the realm of jounralistic writing. How am i supposed to write jounralistically for a publication of the public to see when I can't even write a somple blog-- let alone confidently. Perhaps I will be one of those controversial authors, whose work is sensational and unabashed in the face of public scorn.....maybe not. But who knows? Right?
Maybe I'll let people read parts of it, by request.
But it's still my baby.
Today the plans were to go to the beach again, completely ignoring the painful sunburn I have on my back and just go hang out but it looks like it's going to be raining soon.
How sad.
Right now, I'm just sitting in the kitchen listening to Bloc party from my sister. very interesting. I like it. I think I will go see Angels and Airwaves when they come for Warped. Did I mention my fixation with them? Well I have one. It exists. :^ D
I have posetively no talent for writing blogs. So much for a career in the realm of jounralistic writing. How am i supposed to write jounralistically for a publication of the public to see when I can't even write a somple blog-- let alone confidently. Perhaps I will be one of those controversial authors, whose work is sensational and unabashed in the face of public scorn.....maybe not. But who knows? Right?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
hallelujah! joyful, joyful! and all the rest and the same..
Well, today is the official kickoff of my favorite of schoolyear rarities-- 5 DAY WEEKENDS!!! Seeing as i go to a catholic school, there are numerous reasons for the said weekendiful extention, they are being:
1) Holy Thursday (there is an icky hair in my keyboard)
2) Good Friday
3) ...something.. Saturday?
4) Easter Sunday!!!!!
5) ...something Monday...?
Anyhoo! This means i get to sleep in, hang out, get chubby on snacks and laziness and my all time favorite, text, IM, facebook, myspace, glog, blog and hang out with friends till the cows come home-- or at least the administration.
Today's agenda for the grand kickoff? Eat. Watch movies. Play guitar hero (if i had it). Gaze lovingly at photographs of my two favorite men (one being my boyfriend, the other, he who shall remain nameless except to my other adoring cohorts. I love band frontmen!). But, quite honestly, the latter of those two will probably fall by the wayside as "mi lover" and me exchange goofy pictures of our selves via text message. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck! :^ D
As for tomorrow. Working. Yes you read it right. The previous plannage of the day was to wake up at a relatively late hour and proceed to the lovely abode of one of my bestifuls! Sadly, a wrench of a money was thrown into the stir. See, my employer (also my bf's mom/future mommy-to-be) said that she'd like me to come work at the family farm market. At first it was a, "well, i'd love to but..." sort of thing. But Mimmy (mom) says i "have to learn to be a responsible person" and i can only hang out with my lovely friend-friend when i'm done. So, hopefully that won't be too long, but seriously, in all honesty-- it's crapolla!
So that is my rant for the day. I wish i had something more to write, at lwast something intreguing-- please give me something intreguing!
1) Holy Thursday (there is an icky hair in my keyboard)
2) Good Friday
3) ...something.. Saturday?
4) Easter Sunday!!!!!
5) ...something Monday...?
Anyhoo! This means i get to sleep in, hang out, get chubby on snacks and laziness and my all time favorite, text, IM, facebook, myspace, glog, blog and hang out with friends till the cows come home-- or at least the administration.
Today's agenda for the grand kickoff? Eat. Watch movies. Play guitar hero (if i had it). Gaze lovingly at photographs of my two favorite men (one being my boyfriend, the other, he who shall remain nameless except to my other adoring cohorts. I love band frontmen!). But, quite honestly, the latter of those two will probably fall by the wayside as "mi lover" and me exchange goofy pictures of our selves via text message. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck! :^ D
As for tomorrow. Working. Yes you read it right. The previous plannage of the day was to wake up at a relatively late hour and proceed to the lovely abode of one of my bestifuls! Sadly, a wrench of a money was thrown into the stir. See, my employer (also my bf's mom/future mommy-to-be) said that she'd like me to come work at the family farm market. At first it was a, "well, i'd love to but..." sort of thing. But Mimmy (mom) says i "have to learn to be a responsible person" and i can only hang out with my lovely friend-friend when i'm done. So, hopefully that won't be too long, but seriously, in all honesty-- it's crapolla!
So that is my rant for the day. I wish i had something more to write, at lwast something intreguing-- please give me something intreguing!
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